mostly nakers

upon closer inspection

2012-01-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

you have called us

and shown us

with you

we

are giants

6

2012-01-11T14:09:00.006-07:00

a vine
stretching, winding, twisting around the door
twice
in the night I see
a sign

and in the day
a man
finding his voice
tapes up
victory
and destiny
on the same door frame

and begins to understand

Joseph is a fruitful vine

the start of the plunder

2011-10-18T13:02:00.001-06:00

you
are
here

smoke
rolls across the bedroom ceiling
turning my head
across my pillow to follow you
glory
glory
glory

the sense of spirit
and then
sleep

open heaven

and so
it begins

loved

2011-06-29T10:16:00.006-06:00

a long hallway
in a church
where I grew

I crept through the dark
terror
and silence

until at last
by the door
I fell
unable to move

panic

in the distance;
footsteps

and out of the dark legs come into view
and a hand
reaches
down

a simple word
'lets go'
and I am pulled up
by the man
who has always
been the one
to love and to carry
my heart
connected to my soul
who's blessing and character
give me the strength
to break my ties with
the dark

open

2011-06-13T12:28:00.006-06:00

there
in the darkness
a door

wooden
cracked and
ancient

standing in a place
that was
a blind spot

it is there;
suddenly
and yet present,
as it always was
from birth

a red twist of a cord holds a hanging sign
and a warning
that my heart has always heeded
until now

like light through a shut eye
the color
around the door
is blood
transparent skin; illuminated

and with the force
of the Mighty One
it is thrown
open

the sky
pours in
and sight
is given

orange

2011-05-18T11:52:00.007-06:00

I was telling her that it was
my Grandparents house
only different
there were two doors on either end
one to exit
one to enter

and we watched as my words came to life
and the story of my dream
unfolded within the dream

then the line of people came through
with the pronouncement that
David is here

and how long ago was it that
I was told
David is coming?

I saw him
this boy
followed by men
women
giants

and then
a man
standing by the round table covered in white
and a reminder that
I forgot to drink the water

after it is gone
their faces
change

like star bursts
of orange
I see them
in a new
light

cold hot cold hot cold hot cold

2011-05-10T19:48:00.001-06:00

let's get better at this life thing
and
conquer all the things
that have conquered us

on the right

2011-04-28T10:00:00.004-06:00

fall back into yourself

the striving
anxiety
is not
required.

be still in that
moment
of not yet awake
the songs of heaven
still present
from the quiet of the night.

let the calmness of breath stay
and the moment of
assured
expectation
of peace

fall back into yourself

be still
and know

early morning

2011-01-26T08:35:00.004-07:00

I had a dream
that you stood in line
with all the others
to receive a blessing
from a man
long dead

I saw his body
lowered into the ground
and yet he was there
standing
preaching
like he always was

and you would not see
me
and my sorrow
but went ahead
to have hands laid on you
like old times

and I sat
outside
weeping

this point

2010-12-06T19:18:00.003-07:00

I am turned to face up the stairs
toward the door
that leads
outside
to light

and I no longer see
you
standing
in your nightgown
hunched in the dark
smothered by the ache

and I no longer am
me
open to fear
carrying the weight
of your destruction
connected to my soul

I am turned to face the light
and I
am
free.

there will come a time

2010-11-16T15:34:00.003-07:00

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

-Mumford and Sons

post

2010-10-05T10:08:00.003-06:00

This is not the first time I have lost
my mother
I remember you sleeping on the couch
downstairs in the basement
unable to get up
to live
to care
to give
to think about anything but your
ill planned escape
your destruction of our world
because you are sick
I understand now that you have
been sick my whole life, and long before

borderline personality disorder

you have a name
the person you become when you
die
and are no longer my mom
no longer the person who looks on me with love
with grace
with a desire to do what is good for
the children you have brought into the world
the family you hold the power to destroy
and do
because you are broken
and I see it now

But what little girl, teenager, and even
adult can really understand
this disease
this deficiency
this total madness

the angels have the phonebox

2010-07-08T22:20:00.003-06:00

Dear heart you have blossomed
Grown
Found truth and stumbled upon death
You have fought and stood
You have been moved to understand beauty in the face of adversity
And now I am going to tell you how brave you really are

You see the world through grey and blue
Through something that you have been told is imperfect
But after being pushed down again and again
You rise up and face fire
You face the dark and you walk forward
When so few do
And let me tell you
The world waits
Patient and warm with welcome
For you to run
Like the night waits to become day
The world waits for you

You have become my sister
Awoken and feasted on life
You see everything around you
You fight with depth
You fight with grace
Your heart is for the destitute

You will not loose your strength in this though
Even in these years of growth
These years of circumstance and truth
You will not be pushed down love
You, with untouchable beauty
You will only bloom now

-E.C. Fleury

2010-06-29T13:44:00.000-06:00

a house is built where it wasn't before

2010-06-29T13:25:00.004-06:00

I was told about this in my dreams
and with a word that hung in the air
I was warned about the coming destruction
I misunderstood a warning as a sign that change was possible
the deepest truth about what is
about what was
about what always will be

change was not possible not because I did not choose it
but because she did not

the dreams:

I am in the front yard of the acreage house and there is a big black bull
loose in the yard
my mother is throwing the little kids up in the trees to keep them safe
she is yelling at me to take them inside
I can not open the door.

It is a winter night
so cold there is no sound
so dark only the white snow is visible
I am trying to get from the shop to the house
there is polar bear somewhere in the darkness
Dale runs out of the house with a gun and a dog
but runs into the dark with no direction, the wrong way
I am attacked by the bear
I hold open his jaws with my bare hands
they will not shut.

It is a cold winter night
so cold there is no sound
so dark only the white snow is visible
I am trying to get from the shop to the house
only this time there is a wolf somewhere in the darkness
Dale runs out of the house, the wrong way again
the wolf attacks.

the word:

I wake up in the morning
and hear this sentence in my head

'the memories of the family you have now will have to sustain you for the rest of your life'

all this is told to me years before now.
and yet now the dreams are reality
the destruction has come.

gratuitous ninja moves

2010-06-16T16:54:00.004-06:00

how do you begin to explain a life
that has never been spoken of
only whispered of in the darkest places of fear
never realized
the conclusions and final destinations blocked by everything you don't want to ever let cross your mind, become concrete in the space of reality.
how do you articulate what has happed
after the world has come to an end.

Long Black Limousine, Shiniest Car I've Ever Seen

Heavy sun
Heavy lashes and a beat up car door
Breaks scraping and the choking sound of a bird’s death
Throwing up on a strange and familiar highway
Without words or voices or windy tires
This was never my fault
This was your victory

Crashing through the crowds until you were satisfied
Leaving your children in a bloody fermenting pool behind you
On to the next
On to the roping in and the churning out
I want to make you hurt so badly

I want you to be alone and abandoned and aching
For you have set me on fire in your doorway so many times
You have taken and taken and taken again
Any hope that I held like a burning rope in my hands threaded through my gut
Your sword of diseases
You are the cold
You are the homeless winter
You have stricken me with grief
And forced me to walk with shame

I am your daughter but you
You were never mine
I wish I could rip the poetry from your heart and turn it to dust
You have lost me
You have beaten me
and finally I have had enough
your ragged life is no fault of mine

All of your children have gone missing

-Elise Fleury

the reality of my mother, of myself, of my family.

I have lost.

tried to be the robot king, but settled for the robot boy

2010-05-06T18:45:00.004-06:00

j: don't dance around the robot
k: that is a phrase I never thought would be uttered in our house
j: I always knew it would
k: really?
j: except I always thought we would be robot worshipers and the end of that sentence would go something like -without your ceremonial robot worshiping dress.

snippets of a conversation from tonight

(Evie was circling the new iRobot Roomba vacuum)

How long does it take to mail a freakin baby?!

2010-04-18T14:12:00.002-06:00

which is what I said in a dream last night.

Baby is what Cowboys call their girlfriends

2010-04-07T19:57:00.002-06:00

I was on my way into my grandparents house
and asked my mom why some men call women 'baby'
she told me that 'baby' is what only cowboys call their girlfriends.
I believed her for a long time.

lets give it up for the ones 3 feet above us

2010-03-25T10:38:00.003-06:00

At the end of the above average but not spectacular production half of the audience rose to their feet in a rousing standing ovation.
I stayed where I was.
The idea of pounding the palms of my hands together to declare my appreciation does not fit in any mode of communication that conveys any sincerity in my mind.
To rise to my feet and bang my hands together to communicate my excess of emotion and gratitude is even more puzzling.
Social customs demand context and I suppose in the theater, the customs and traditions are carried out with as little speculation of their efficacy as possible.
I am usually faking it, more conscience of self than communication.
I often wonder how many other people are faking it and how many people hold fast to this tradition because it means something.
Slap your hands together, rise to your feet, slap harder.

reach out and shake a hand, make a friend today

2009-09-12T07:32:00.005-06:00

we were standing in the Charlottetown airport after an exhausting week
Evie was 9 months old and we were facing a 9 hour flight back home
the week was wearying to say the least and we were ready to leave
when we recognized some familiar faces from Calgary
Jerm went to university and had previously worked at the same company as him
we had met his girlfriend a few times and so were well acquainted with them
they proceeded to whip out their new ipod touch and show us pictures of
the quaint bed and breakfast tour they took of the island
stopping at all the finest restaurants
and indulging in the peaceful beauty of PEI
I felt a drip on my foot
she paused and looked at me and said
'your baby is leaking'
my mind blanked and then I said what I could only assume was the best combination of what would be considered acceptable and humorous.
'oh she does this all time, he he he'
cue strange look
and a polite goodbye

forget about med school

2009-09-09T15:27:00.004-06:00

the other day I was in the shower
I reached for my facial cleanser
and popped open the top
my eyes caught the archaic reflection
of my face in the opening of the tube
my brain raced to the most obvious conclusion
that I was also in the tube
looking back up at me
my heart skipped a beat in fear

then I realized the foil security tab was still over the opening

yeah. classy.

ok, so I know what comes next

2009-09-09T07:40:00.003-06:00

distance keeps you
it marks your life
never connecting
intangible sterility
you are trapped behind your eyes

Now here's a trend I can get behind

2009-09-03T07:56:00.003-06:00

www.youtube.com/watch?v=bpAzvKt_8lk

and don't forget

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj-x9ygQEGA

The Time Travelers disappointment

2009-08-30T17:36:00.003-06:00

I went to see the movie the "The Time Travelers Wife"

It is not at all like the book.
More like a bullet point summary of the book

meh

awanowano (evie speak for watermelon)

2009-08-27T16:32:00.003-06:00

great now my blog is haunted.
nice.

horrifically fascinating photos of Victorian era mourning photography.

www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/32946

if you click on the first link in the article (there are more creepy photos) but there is an explanation for why we all have 'living rooms' in our homes.

enjoy!

think happy thoughts.

not a thing

2009-08-24T20:44:00.003-06:00

I like teeth

what I like is how they affect speech

I like to observe how people speak and how their mouths move and affect annunciation and pronunciation

When I was young I had a lisp

I still have a slight lisp

I think this is because my front teeth are short

well small

and my tongues slips under them when I say 's'

I used to try and copy other peoples speech patterns

emulate the way their tongues and teeth met, the way the letters were pronounced by their mouths

I thought this was quirky

now I just realize there is a fine line between quirky and creepy

i love tacos

2009-08-24T18:29:00.002-06:00

chances are if I know you I have thought about sending you a card

I have thought about it

but did not do it

If you have ever had a birthday, an anniversary, something happy or sad happen

chances are I have had the intention of sending you a card

I like the idea of cards
of writing a thoughtful, poignant statement that captures perfectly the emotion and the precise feeling of a special moment

I am just not so good at the execution

so take heart

If I know you

you are more than likely special enough for me to have thought about sending you a card

establish a forcefield

2009-08-24T18:26:00.002-06:00

I have decided to go in some new directions with this blog

here is an example of the directions in which I shall go

I've waited around for hours with grump-mo

2009-04-03T18:36:00.002-06:00

Evie is breaking molars.
enough said.

so it looks like the summer is going to be entirely different.
my sister is pregnant and sick. Like, laying on the couch for 6 days solid because if she gets up she throws up, sick.
so my plans will have to change
I have also set a new record. I quit a job before I even started. Normally I wait a few weeks or months then call in sick for a few days and then just call in and casually say that I don't think I will be coming back in. Yeah I've had a lot of crap jobs, and I am REALLY good at quitting. (so if anyone ever needs me to make a few calls....)
but it is sad because I really liked this job and was happy to have it back. Oh well
so now....I get to spend the summer with Evers
which very much a relief. In the end I realized what it was going to take to pull this off and I was scared that it would be too much. This is much easier and far more beneficial to all involved.
well that is it, so now I am free this summer. I can do what I want when I want.
And I am glad to be with Evie.

the hitchhiker told me

2009-03-03T09:19:00.007-07:00

so Evie gets her 12 month shots today (gulp)
I know, I know she is 16 months
but I have been avoiding them
plus it takes a month to get an appointment
but I had a gut feeling telling me I needed to wait for some reason
so I followed it
and now it feels ok to get them.

I know it is strange
but with vaccines....you never know

Evie woke up at 6 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep so now I am just killing time waiting for her to get tired again so we can go back to bed. so tired.......

uh i think i ripped my pants...no, i'm good

2009-02-27T07:43:00.003-07:00

ok changes
so we sold our car.
it only took 2 days!
crazy
then we were left with no car
so we bought a 2009 jeep patriot last weekend
what a process
car dealerships are frustrating
maybe i will relay that story later, anyway the point is that we now have a vehicle that I can fit in the back seat along with a car seat (or two) hooray!

...and

I got a job!
well I am going back to Heritage Park for the summer
I thought of this before Christmas and thought if this is meant to be then a WHOLE lot of variables have to fall into place
I need someone to take Evie first of all
so Lar (my sister) is going to take Evie for 5 days in the first month, then when the park opens I can work weekends.
So I will have evie mon, tues. Lar will have her wed, thur. Jerm will have her fri, sat, sun.
He is going to take his vacation days and spread them out so he works 4 days a week for 4 months.
so it worked out
good good.
It will be an INSANE 5 months but I think it will be worth it. I will make enough to get out down payment on a house up to where it should be. Heritage park will not be where I could make the most money but I love it there and that is important as I will probably want to quite half way though the summer so being somewhere I love will help to get me through.
So I will enjoy this last month of freedom to do what I want during the day
after that for a while my schedule is set. (gulp)

I can't believe how cold it is again.

ow wow

2009-01-26T09:53:00.002-07:00

so Jerm is in California for the week for a work conference type thing. Something about windows drivers. So I am here in Brooks for the week so that Evie and I did not have to get bored staring at only each other all week long.

evie come crash on the floor

2009-01-07T18:36:00.004-07:00

so I woke up from a dream the other night that went a little something like this:

I am wandering around a rabbit farm and I see cages of bunnies flapping their floppy ears as hard as they can and I think to myself ' those bunnies are turning into birds; well that's evolution for ya. Damn it!'

in other news don't buy a Sony Bravia LCD tv. We have had ours since for about two weeks now and last night it quit working. Stupid tv. I guess we'll see what kind of a warranty we got.

I should change the book I am said to be reading on my blog. I read about three or four books in between changing what it says I am reading. But I am too lazy on most occasions to change it.

here is a cutie sitting in her very own chair she got for her birthday. She likes to sit in it covered with a blanket and with her favorite stuffed animals. It is funny how we order our worlds at such a young age.

new year?

2009-01-03T09:54:00.002-07:00

ok so we made it through Christmas

i only had to go to the ER once to get antibiotics
so it turns out I was struck down with a sinus infection and strep throat. I had been sick off and on for about three weeks and then on boxing day started to feel worse and the next day woke up with a fever of 102.
I had feverish dreams all night long about yelling at people I would say things like 'I'm the one with dark hair and pale skin, I'M THE ONE!"
and " somebody better flood the rink, I'M NOT SKATING IN A SWIMMING POOL!"

so after a delirious day and night my mom finally made me go to the hospital and see a doctor.
and so I missed Christmas.
awww stink.

christmas steve will find me, where the love lights shine

2008-12-18T14:13:00.000-07:00

so Evie has been dealing with eczema for a while now and for a baby that is tough. Plus it has been all around her face circling her eyes and mouth, and her skin is always raw and irritated. So we went to get her some food allergy testing ( and me as well because my eczema was raging all over my arms and hands ) and it turns out that she has sensitives to Dairy, yeast, wheat and sugar and so am I. So that leaves nothing to eat. Haha, no I am just joking. Some members of my family deal with various food allergies and they eat this way all the time, we have been heading down that path for about the last year now but needed something to take the plunge. Evie having food sensitivies did it for me. So she is totally off bread, dairy and other various things. Her face started to clear up within days of this. She is also on a heavy dose of probiotic bacteria. She likes goats milk, and we have no yeast added kamut bread with olive oil and natural peanut butter for breakfast. We have switched all of our pasta to rice pasta. There is a world of food out there for people with allergies and most of it far healthier than what we were eating before. (we can still eat the old stuff, just not too much of it so don't be afraid to invite us to your houses for dinner)
it is strange how food conscious I became when Evie started eating with us, and now even more. It feels good to know I am taking care of myself and her.
(jerm is still not totally on board, he likes his toast and butter)

a tooth! a tooth! My kingdom for a tooth!

2008-12-15T08:48:00.002-07:00

So Evie cut her first tooth this weekend. Yes you heard me, her first tooth. She is 14 months old and this is her first tooth. It is a relief, I had this strange thought that maybe she would never get teeth and then we would have to buy dentures for a 5 year old. She did well enough without teeth, even taking hunks of chicken and beef and gumming them down to swallowable pieces. I am sure going to miss that gummy smile.

This weekend was the butt. All three of us were sick. Evie and I had been sick most of the week and then on friday night I was taken down again, an on saturday Jerm succumbed to illness. So we spent the weekend laying on the couch watching movies and just relaxing and playing with Evie. We all have colds. But I guess there was not much else we could have done this weekend while living in the north pole.

sure can start

2008-10-31T17:40:00.004-06:00

so so so
I have been tagged to share my influences

1. RMC- specifically Dr. Joyce Peasgood, who took me from a world of black and white to a world of colour
2. Jeremy. It is kind of weird that I have known my husband since I was just a teenager. I have grown up in his presence and he has taught me what a person of character, intelligence, peace and kindness looks like and lives like.
3. The movies- I know that if I ever meet a future version of myself the space time continuum might be interrupted and I may find myself in an alternate future. I also know that Irish catholic firefighters lead the bravest, richest, fullest lives.
4. Theology- the intellectual pursuit of God
5. Spirituality- Combined with the above this is the pursuit of my life. The very central thing I know I am to do on this planet is to study these two things and let them seep into every area of my mind and soul. This is where I found myself. This is who I am called to be.

your lips taste better than your hair

2008-10-28T16:05:00.002-06:00

'shall we talk to our friends today, it would be so much fun to talk in such a friendly way until the day is done.'

that phrase is playing over and over and over in the background as Evie got a phone that calls winnie the pooh. horray!

we went to the zoo today, it was a really good day.
we have tried to go to the zoo as often as possible this fall, so we have been going about every other week. It is a really great place to hang out. If you are looking for evidence that Calgary is going through a baby boom just go to the zoo on a weekday.

mon-day bloody mon-day

2008-10-27T11:58:00.002-06:00

oh wait
that's Sunday.

well I am finally back home. I was in Brooks for about 2 weeks just making the rounds visiting and such. I had not been home for a few months and felt like I needed a long visit.
Evie and I have been grocery shopping this morning
now she is napping and I am painting my toenails purple.
Evie is now 1
it seems it does not agree with her as she has decide that now would be a good time to start throwing temper tantrums
sometimes she screams and sometimes she just flops onto the floor. The flopping is funny, the screaming not so much.
she is also turned around in a toddler car seat and she seems to not enjoy this as much as she did her backwards baby car seat. I can tell by the random blood curdling screams that she does not like the sun in her eyes so much.

call the coast guard

2008-10-01T17:23:00.007-06:00

so Evie and I went swimming today.
We try to go swimming every week, there is a parent and tot cheep swim at Cardel Place which is by our house. Normally it is $11 to swim and Evie is free, but on parent and tot day (mon. and wed. mornings) I am free and Evie is $3.75. Cheaper is better.
Lar and Selah come with us every week too.
Evie is a strange little girl, she has absolutely no fear of the water she will just wade in until it is over her head and then try and sit down. When I yank her out she smiles and laughs and thinks it is a game. So she does it over and over. She also jumps off the edge into the water and goes under every time, she loves it and sits on the edge smiling and babbling to herself until I pull her off and into the water she goes again.
Apparently when I was 2 I jumped into a hotel pool by myself. I had no fear of the water. I was alright and this did not deter me from loving swimming. (I used to be a lifeguard) I have this image of an underwater pool light and I think that it stems from this incident. It must be my first memory.
Well it is good to know Evie has inherited my love for swimming hopefully she will be good at it. I have tried to teach Jerm to swim for about 8 years now and he just sinks (literally, he can't get the strokes and can't blow water out under the water, he come up sputtering every time) he tries hard but I have given up on him. I will turn my attention to our offspring to make sure they survive any water related disasters.

miss teen world my word

2008-09-20T19:08:00.001-06:00

so Evie is sick today.
this is the very first time in her life she has been sick. I count that as a year long lucky streak. She is not too grumpy as long as she has some Tylenol in her. Other than that her sickness consists of rubbing her runny nose over everything and rubbing her face violently with her hands, nothing we can't handle.
I stood in line at superstore today for half a bloody hour to get groceries for dinner. Superstore and saturday night does not make for a great date.

it was the best of times it was the blurst of times

2008-09-11T21:59:00.002-06:00

so jerm has started hockey again.
which is why I am sitting here alone at 10 on Thursday night.
I think I will go to bed.

I told jerm that he better really really enjoy hockey.
because it is bloody expensive
($400) a winter, for one game a week.
and I am alone while he goes out

last year he decided that he would not play hockey
well it was a good decision as we had a newborn, but this year with Evie in bed at 8 every night I guess there was no reason not to play.

you can buy new things but you can't buy a new party

2008-09-10T18:22:00.004-06:00

Yes jerm, in response your comment I am, in fact, planning to get rid of you when you are 78. I don't think I could ever bring myself to be married to an octogenarian. I hope you have an even bigger life insurance policy then, cause I am planning to travel the world with our pool boy Ramirez after that. We will have pool boy by then won't we? Oh yeah lets get a pool boy.

paper anniversary?

2008-09-08T21:18:00.003-06:00

what is the gift for 5 years?
wait a minute I'll look it up,
ok here we go it is...wood
hmmm.....

ok so, jerm did not carve my likeness into a tree like I requested for our official wooden anniversary gift, but he still has all year to do that so I am not worried.

we had a really fantastic time out. I is funny how before kids that would be a regular occurrence but after Evie ( A.E.) it seemed so much more precious and sweet and cherished. I guess if you eat cake all day you get a gut ache but it is even better on birthdays. I really like birthday cake, man it is a long time until my birthday, if anyone wants to bake me a cake....um I mean, yeah cake...its a good analogy.

I think Jerm and I have been 'together' for 9 years now. That is a long time, but sometimes I feel like I have always known him and been with him.
I kind of like him. Here is to another 50 years.

moderate condition

2008-09-05T17:39:00.002-06:00

so the weekend is here....not that I do anything different on the weekend but it is still great that it is the weekend.
We will be spending the weekend at home.
this will be our first full weekend at home since June.

so we are going to celebrate our anniversary this weekend.
we're just going to go wild and crazy and do something we've never done before...dinner and a movie.
haha
well we are both too tired to think of anything more, and plus the munchkin is at home taking care of herself and she can't use the stove yet so we have to be back within 6 hours.
no...kelsey is going to babysit... horray!

well this is 5 years. I don't actually think we have ever celebrated our anniversary on the actual day. There has always been something going on to prevent it, so we will continue with the tradition of a month or so later celebrations.
I am not good with dates, I even forgot it was our anniversary last year until someone reminded me. I don't really get wrapped up in the whole 'romantic' thing. I am far too pragmatic, so a month or so later suits me just fine.

Everyone gets their head chopped off in the end

2008-09-03T07:31:00.002-06:00

so we have been watching the show "The Tudors" and we have just finished season 2. I know how it end in advance, but it is still depressing to watch everyone get their head cut off.

Jerm dropped his keys on the upstairs bathroom floor this morning waking everybody up early. So Evie is content to run around and I am just waiting until she goes back to bed so I can too.
so tired.

Don't take your anger out on a persciption

2008-08-31T07:53:00.005-06:00

well it is fall.
I am sort of glad the summer is over.
I love fall.

I like summer, I just don't like the incessant heat. I think my aversion to heat got worse last year while I was pregnant. That was just about the worst thing I ever went through.

Evie is walking now.
She seems to be a toddler before she is even one.
Her new tricks include: -clapping
- crawling under the table to get something and then standing up and hitting her head. You would think she would learn but she does this at least2 or 3 times a week, maybe it is all the head hitting that makes her forget.
-throwing all her food off her high chair tray when she is done eating, then when she is down trying to eat the food off the floor that she just threw down. She also rips her bib off, throws it down and then says 'uh-oh'

at least she is a pretty good dancer. That makes up for it. haha

2008-08-18T09:06:00.003-06:00

so I have something to confess. I have a new love. Yes, that is right - a new love.
um....outlet malls.
so we went down to the States for a day and went to this mall in Tulalip Washington, right outside of Seattle.
best. place. ever.
an outlet mall the size of Chinook.
I got a pair of Khakis at the Gap for $6.00.
good deal. good deal.
That is all for now. Evie is done breakfast. More on White Rock later.

they're both here!

2008-07-29T13:06:00.004-06:00

well I tried to do an entry yesterday but was interrupted by some random squealing child who broke into my house and ate half a watermelon.
ok the child did not do that
it was me who ate half the watermelon.
but the child was squealing
she is contentedly playing with a box right now
Evie does not get toys she gets boxes

well our trip to PEI was successful here are some of the highlights of the trip
- playing with Evie in the ocean
-avoiding the jellyfish is said ocean
-Eating my birthday lunch at Dalvay by the Sea (a posh hotel from the late 1800's)
-The cottage we stayed at was just beautiful. It was the cutest little cottage I ever saw, and was very happy to stay there
-Having most of the Ramer clan over for a BBQ at the cottage
-St. Dustans Basilica; I'm not Catholic but the place made me want to genuflect
-Province House: to see the very room that... held the ball that solidified the our founding fathers desire to unite. Yes, that is what I said...a ball. Our nation, our motherland was forged out of a party? Yes, yes it was.
-Visiting a different beach just about every day
-seeing Evie and Kate get to know each other a little bit more
- Having Evie's diapers so wet on the plane (the seat belt sign was on and we couldn't change them) that they wet through and when Jerm got up he had a big wet spot on his lap, it looked like he had peed himself on the plane.
- Paying $8 to see a hole in the ground
( we paid to see L.M. Montgomery's house, but it turned out it was just the foundation of the house that was left. So in essence we paid $8 to see a hole in the ground.)
-The beauty of PEI is almost hard to communicate. There are red cliffs that meet grey oceans, rolling green hills and trees as far as can be seen. It is truly a place of transcendent beauty.

A good time was had by all

your back! and your front, they

2008-07-28T10:54:00.000-06:00

its pronounced nuculer

2008-06-18T08:34:00.002-06:00

if there is one thing I have learned from watching the show 'Lost' it is that babies are really easy to take care of on deserted islands. They cry when there is dramatic tension but that is about it, all other times they are merely a bundle in a blanket. And as it turns out you don't need to feed them. What have I been doing wasting all this time and money feeding Evie? I wish I knew this when she was born.

tagg-ed?

2008-06-17T09:15:00.003-06:00

so I was tagged by Jeremy and Lindsay

The idea is to share six unimportant things about myself and then to tag six other people to do the same thing.

Here are the rules:
1. Link back to the person who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. Share six unimportant things about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your entry

ok here goes.....

1. I am currently addicted to Dristan Nasal Spray. So about once a year I get a bad cold and the only thing that relieves it is Dristan. Then I keep using it. The thing is that Dristan generates a cycle of stuffy noses so you need to keep using it and if you keep using it your nose stays stuffed. Well I have been using it every night since my last cold. The only way to quit is to do it cold turkey but that means a night of bad stuffy nose sleep. My name is Kristin and I am a dristanaholic.
2. I have never eaten a banana. I can't even stand the smell of them.
3. Speaking of smells, I have smelly feet. I mean rank. Well, only in the summer and only when I wear leather sandals. So if I come to your house in the summer and immediately ask to use the bathroom you can guess I am washing my feet so I don't fill your house with feet stank.
4. I really like to clean bathrooms. They can get so clean and shiny, it gives me such a sense of self satisfaction.
5. I obsessively clip my nails (fingers and toes)I can't stand any white on the end of my nails so they are always clipped as short as I can get them. I chew them when I am stressed out or nervous. I frequently have bleeding fingers during final exams.
6. And speaking of final exams, I have done around 5 years of university and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. haha.

there that is it. I tag Michelle, Mara, Elise and Lar
(if you don't want to do it on your blogs then you can do it in my comments)

it is a great way to keep your hair out of your face

2008-06-13T08:11:00.003-06:00

yesterday I got really frustrated with my hair so I cut my bangs short again. I rather like it. I was at the mall yesterday and noticed that everyting in Old Navy for guys was 40% off so jerm met us there after work and he got some nice shorts. Actually he got 4 pairs of shorts. good deal. good deal. in other news all of my travel problems are solved by this handy little item.
it is a bottle that holds the powder formula in the top and water in the bottom. Just twist the top and shake. No more keeping the bottle cool and then trying to find a place to heat it up. This will make the 10 hours to PEI much easier. Its from a company called Phil and Teds they have some pretty cool stuff. Although I would not recommend ordering from their website as they are in New Zealand and shipping on 4 bottles was $85. Luckily I found them on an American web site that ships to Canada.
Evie has entered a stage where sitting is is just too boring. She can't crawl yet but seems to have much more interest in walking. All she wants to do is stand on the furniture and have me walk her around the house. She moves pretty fast for the length of her legs.

mixed cavalry

2008-05-26T16:34:00.003-06:00

It seems that Evie and Jeremy have the same immune system. Evie has not actually been really sick since she was born. .........intermission to knock on every wood surface in the house......and Jeremy never gets sick either. At the most Evie has had a little runny nose for a day or two at a time. I always get what neither of them get, so I figure they share the same Ramer immune system whose antibodies are armed with tanks while mine are armed with mere wooden slingshots. *cough,cough, hack hack hack*

Sickly Sam I wish you would just go away

2008-05-24T09:56:00.001-06:00

so I am sick again.
I have the beginnings of a cold. sore throat, aches, tired...oh so tired.
at least jerm came home on friday afternoon and took Evie out. I got to take a bath and they returned with movies and chocolate pudding and whipped cream. mmmm
I don't know why but when I get sick all I want to do is eat junk.
and I had a Nyquil induced oblivion sleep last night so I think that helped.

rip off the f key

2008-05-21T10:37:00.003-06:00

so in the last 24 hours Evie has ripped a page out of a Berenstein Bears book and has ripped off the f key on the keyboard and I can't for the life of me get it back on. I never noticed how many times I use the letter F. Now I shall have to try to tailor my witting to exclude fs.
I was in superstore this morning. (Yeah that right I now get my grocery shopping done before 10:30 in the morning because Evie is up at 7 every day. ) This old Asian lady came up to me and smiled and said 'Nice baby." and I was about to say "thanks she is an 07 model." but I just said thanks. Now I am not really one to talk to strangers but it seems that whenever I have Evie with me it is an open invitation for random people to talk to you. Babies bring out the crazies. They also bring out the old ladies. I don't mind so much the old ladies it is just the crazies that I shrink back from. And on the other hand a lot of the time the two categories are combined. And then there are the other mothers of young children. I get a lot of 'cute baby, how old is she.' I am not really one to walk up to a complete stranger and comment on their babies or children and it always baffles me when other people do this.
My dad and sister and I were in the mall the other day and Selah, my niece, was walking behind up with my dad and my sister was pushing her empty stroller when this lady walks up to her and said,' where's your baby?'
Mothers lose their babies in the mall all the time and usually just keep walking with their empty strollers.

blog stall

2008-05-07T19:35:00.002-06:00

so I am not dead.
I just have a case of the blog stall.
plus I have been so busy I just want to sit down and not get up again for another week.
but that is not going to happen
I will just say
that things are
well, tired
but alright.
My cousin came home from the hospital today. I need to go see them tomorrow. I hope I never see a child that close to death ever again.
But he came back.
and life is hopeful.

hard day

2008-04-21T19:42:00.002-06:00

so I spent all afternoon at the Children's Hospital. My cousin Madison (who is 7 ) is in there. He went in for surgery this weekend for his kidney. He seemed fine and the surgery went well, until last night when he has a seizure and went into a coma. His brain stem is swollen and the doctors can't figure out why and are trying out treatments that may work but may make it worse. He is still in the ICU in a coma and is totally non-responsive. We are all just talking to him and hoping that he can hear us. This afternoon, the doctors decided that they wanted to take all precautions and so we had to wear masks and gowns just to be near him. Evie spent the afternoon with my dad so that I could be there.
What words are there to describe a situation like this?
There is nothing left except for God to move.

The Electric Version

2008-04-21T08:38:00.003-06:00

So Evie started putting herself to sleep this weekend. We had a half hour disagreement on Friday about whether she was going to take a nap. (a disagreement includes her arching her back and using all of her strength to scream and try and wiggle out of my arms) So I decided to see if she would fall asleep on her own if I just laid her in her crib and said good night and left, and she did. So from then on she has fallen asleep on her own. Which is a good thing for me because that seemed to be the main struggle that would set off her day into disaster grumpy sparkle times. ( I am using the Japanese to English translation)
I also spent the day yesterday making baby food. We went to the farmers market and I cooked and pureed most of the afternoon and now Evie has peas, carrots, sweet potato, yams, broccoli, beans, and butternut squash to eat for the next little while. So far she has eaten peas, carrots and sweet potato and seems to like all three.
We went to get her six month shots on Friday and apparently she is in the 60th percentile for height and the 40th for weight. Even though she eats a lot it seems like it is just going to fuel her height.
She has also decided that even though she goes to bed at 9 pm, 6 am is a good time to get up. I don't know why she is not sleeping in anymore. But I am tired and I don't know how to get her to sleep longer. And when she wakes up so early she is grumpy all morning.
tired. must sleep longer.

that one's got some mustard on it

2008-04-15T16:55:00.006-06:00

so I had two dreams last night. The first dream was a horrible nightmare that is not worth repeating and took me half an hour to fall asleep after the second dream was this-
I was in the basement in Trinity Lutheran Church in Brooks (this is the church which I grew up in until I was about 14) anyway the basement was pitch black but I could still see where I was but I was petrified, I mean really paralyzed by fear. I just stood in one spot in the dark and looked around and tried to listen for sound but it was quiet. I thought that I could get out of there if I just made a run for it. So I started running as fast as I could down the back hallway up the back staircase and through the library. I was going to run out the back door when I overshot my mark and ran into the sanctuary. I knew I was going to have to run back so I started running back but then was overcome with fear again and just sat down right beside the back door. I was paralyzed with fear again and could not move and just sat on the ground in the dark. Then I saw that there was a bunch of Evie's toys all around me and her diaper bag sat beside me empty. I told myself that I was not going to be afraid that I had to clean up Evie's toys and get the diaper bag together so I started to slowly reach for things and pack the bag as quietly as I could. Then I heard footsteps in the distance and as they got louder and louder my fear increased because I knew someone or something was in the building with me. Then I saw some legs and I looked up and it was Jeremy and he said ' Come on let's go, we'll get out of here' and he picked me up and helped me out the door, down the steps and into our car and we drove away.
so that was the end of the dream.
My dreams are usually quite vivid and I frequently have dreams that could be considered spiritual. In these dreams I am usually shown things for me or my family. God has shown me some things that I will never forget through these dreams. I am wondering what this dream is all about. I am really not quite sure. Some dreams seem obvious on the surface but then have some deeper meaning for some spiritual battle that is going on. Sometimes I have dreams that puzzle me and years later I will be shown what they mean. I guess I will just wait to see if it yields anything else to me other than confusion.

look I'm a Cylon babysitter!

2008-04-14T09:31:00.003-06:00

this weekend was pretty good.
we had Kelsey over on Saturday night and we went out for dinner and then came back here for dessert. ( a lovely and delicious apple crisp if I do say so myself) and the Lar and Alex and Selah came over for dinner on Sunday. (a sumptuous meal of sweet curry chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, and veggies) ( I asked jerm if he thought about how lucky he was that he scored a girl who can cook, and tears welled up in his eyes and he said 'i love you, you make my life more than wonderful', ...um no that is not what happened ...he laughed and then said 'yeah you could of ended up cooking like me.' ) thanks anyway.

I have found myself very discontented living here in the suburbs of Calgary.Jerm and I have been talking a lot lately about what we want out of life (and it is not like we have not had these discussions many times before but things and people change, especially when you get married young and we always just want to be up to speed on these things about each other) But I feel like I have narrowed down what I want out of life to about three things.
I either want a simple life lived in the midst of community re: the only place we can get that is living in Duchess and I would not mind that for a few years at least until our kid (s) are done school but that is really not going to happen as per Jerm's job description.
or I want to live in the middle of the city where everything is going on and you feel as if you are a part of some larger stream of things and can get a pulse on what the mood and atmosphere is in the lager aspect of society (living in the burbs I get to see what other moms are up to and so far it seems that it is a competition of who has the cutest baby, most brand name baby products and stroller that cost at least $1000. yikes. )But the inner city is even more expensive than the suburbs. hummf.
or I want some adventure.
so Jerm and I have been looking into going away for 6 months to a year on some sort of humanitarian deal of a kind, and he is looking into overseas jobs. But it is a little more complicated with a baby. We have never been able to travel ( or really do what we want because we have always been in massive student loan and other debt, but that is about 90% paid off and will be totally paid off by the summer) so now we can do something because we will not have monthly payments to make. But if we go somewhere and Jerm works that is all well and good for him but what am I going to do all day long? If we are in a 1st world country that will be no problem Evie and I will just explore and hang out, but we can't do that in a developing nation and then what am I supposed to do? I can't just volunteer because I don't really have much free time during the day.

anyway so there are our three options. all of them impossible. or near impossible. But right now we have none of them. no community, no adventure and no inner city living. And I keep thinking we only have one life why waste even one more year somewhere where neither of us wants to be. we are just stuck and I am not sure what to do or where to go. I am feeling very unsatisfied with life in general at this point. It is hard to admit but I just don't know what to do.

and after all the tides have swallowed all the shore, I couldn't find you anymore

2008-04-13T11:35:00.005-06:00

so far this blog has been pretty light, keep it happy keep it funny. But there are some things that I am dealing with right now that are not light.
Last time I had a blog I did some posts that were more along the lines of speculative thinking outside the box of mainstream 'christianity' and there was some backlash. That is to say, I was attacked out of the blue on someone elses blog (someone that I know), who also wrote an email to Jerm saying that I was pretty much going to destroy our marriage if I continued to believe these things. The fact that I was attacked really really impacted me. Anyway, I am now more hesitant to enter into anything deep or speculative. I am feeling pretty burned by this person and the whole situation in general. I am unsure if they read my blog anymore, but I suppose it does not really matter. What a mess, what a mess. In any case Jerm doesn't really talk to this person anymore, and it is not that he does not want a relationship it is because things are just kind of uncomfortable. (he says for his part he wants to but is not sure how to deal with the conflict here, I am sure that forgiveness and restoration is possible I just don't know how without dealing directly with the situation) I am at a loss at to what is appropriate in this situation. This whole situation would not even be worth mentioning, except to say that it did impact me and it is sort of a fear that resides in the back of my mind as I set out to write anything that may be the least bit 'ify'
well in any case now that it is on the table I feel like it is possible to at least be mostly honest on here. Keep in mind that the things I write and believe I never ask anyone else to believe but I think the questions need to be asked and there is nothing that I feel is too sacred to question.
well here goes at my attempt at being open.

schnooooooowwww!!!

2008-04-10T19:47:00.005-06:00

so this was the view outside our back door this morning. I thought winter was over.
hahahaha ( diabolical laugh from winter)
how does it fool me every year?
oh winter. I have learned never to let my guard down around you. I hate you.
I hate you...no, um I mean ...um....
hahaa.hah (uneasy laugh) but really folks I have strong feelings toward this season that we find ourselves lingering in.
at least I got some good pictures ( note the new picture to your right)

and we're not having cold mush for lunch today...yay!!!...we're having warm mush

2008-04-05T20:27:00.000-06:00

She eats!
I started feeding Evie some solids this week.
Well solids are a slightly exaggerated term for what she eats.
It is really closer to warm rice mush.
I'm thinking it might taste pretty special (that is for all you 'Suburban Souls' stars, fans, and creators out there)
Actually I tasted some and surprisingly it tastes exactly what you would think warm rice mush would taste like.

Here is Evie sitting in her new high chair

and here is the finished product

you may be thinking that Evie is a quick change artist but no, she is not. The last picture is from the second time she ate, thus the difference in clothes. I have also discovered that eating is done best in short sleeves.
well it is a start. In the next few weeks we will be building her mush repertoire adding such things as mushed squash, carrots, peas and maybe even beans.
what a lucky girl.

processing data as ones and zeros

2008-04-05T20:07:00.000-06:00

Jerm and I went to a movie this afternoon. We saw Leatherheads (which I though had some funny moments, but was not at all as clever as it presumed to be [according to Jeremy]) we had some excellent babysitters come and take care of Evie (Thanks!) so we got some time to ourselves. It was so strange to go to the theater together. It seemed so normal, which was the strange part. It seemed too normal that it was just us. It is like I forgot that we had not done that in over 5 months. We used to go to the theater just about every weekend, and last summer when it was scorching and I was pregnant we used to go about twice a week just for the air conditioning. (I remember once it was so hot that as I was walking across the parking lot to get to the theater the asphalt in certain places was squishing under my sandal.) It was so strange to think that it is now not just us and that we come home to Evie.
It has been just us for so long that it felt for a second there that the world where Evie exists was just a dream and the the last year did not take place and that I would look at Jerm and we would both laugh and then I would wake up. very surreal. very, very surreal. But as I look over Jerm is on the couch with a baby sitting on his lap. What a strange world we live in. How things change so drastically and so fast.

are you talking to that octopus you are devouring?

2008-04-02T20:52:00.000-06:00

so I was singing another little diddy that I made up a while ago. I made up this song when my little sister Charis was just a baby. So I thought I would share it here. I know that my dad is proud of my song witting abilities so I hope to impress him some more.
(this song is to she tune of 'the Spanish flea)

A little French mouse walked one day
in a little town down by the bay
the little French mouse saw some cheese
she said, 'bonjour, oh yes please!'
the little trap snapped on her neck
the little French mouse was no more
da na na na na na na na
da na na na na na na na

I didn't sing that song to her past the age of two so as to not scar her for the rest of her life.
But I sang it to Evie the other day and she really seemed to like it.

It ain't spinach baby.

2008-04-02T19:52:00.000-06:00

well I thought I was allergic to spinach. It turns out that it is avocado.

I had a hamburger the other night and put a little bit of avocado on my bun and had the exact same gut ache. I thought little alien babies were trying to burst through my stomach.
oh avocado how could you do this to me?
I have loved you for only a short time, but it was love all the same.
so no more for me.
I am done with you.

Dear Avocado,
you are an avocado and I am a girl who cannot digest your goodness. I must leave you and never eat of you again.
we can not be friends.

goodbye

look in the tunk. I think he means trunk

2008-03-31T20:31:00.000-06:00

oh yes. I stayed in Brooks for the week again. Lar was staying so on Easter Monday I decided that I did not feel like packing up and driving home so Jerm went back to Calgary for the week and I stayed. We went to a movie ( Horton hears a who) on Tuesday, swimming on Wednesday, and to Dinosaur park on Friday. My little sister Eden (who is three) got a new bike helmet and wore it all day Friday. So we walked around the museum with a little girl in a bike helmet. I love how kids can get away with that stuff. I was watching my niece Selah dance the other day and thought that the reason we think kids are so cute is because it is the only time that we can see behavior that is completely free from self and consciences. It is genuine human expression, free from constraint. Beautiful.
Evie sat through her first movie at the theater. She was completely mesmerized for half of it and asleep for the other half.
It was a pretty fun week.
She also learned to sit up on her own this past week.
horray!
Here is Evie sitting with Eden in her bed.

These two seem to have a lot of fun together. I think Eden may have a little shadow for the rest of her life.

Can you scratch my elbow?

2008-03-31T20:26:00.000-06:00

So we got home last night at about 11 pm.
We thought that we would leave at 9 so that we would be leaving at Evie's bedtime and then she would sleep all the way home and just right to bed when we got home.
bad. idea.
she slept all the way home.
it was the rest of the night that she didn't.
Jerm finally got her to bed at about 3 am.
I had given up at about 2 am.
but for some reason he said he was not tired so he stayed up.
and then she decided to get up at 7:30 this morning.
oh for the love of fort steel.

a nap, a nap, my kingdom for a nap!

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they eat their chicken

2008-03-22T13:39:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was the Good Friday service. Its really hard to be contempletive during communion with a five month old on your lap. The catchline for the sermon was 'it is friday but sunday is coming. ' It was repeated about oh lets say... 36 times. I know that the pre-teen boys behind us really enjoyed it because they kept whispering among themselves 'alright its friday we know already...oh and sundays commin' It made me laugh. All in all it was a beautiful morning. I love coming home and feeling like I belong. I love knowing that there are more than at least 15 people in the congregation I related to in some way or another. I love being known. I love home.
The other thing I was thinking about was that although 'it is friday but sunday is coming' I thought there is beauty is just sitting in friday. Its friday, be still and understand what friday is all about.
It is also difficult to do that with a five month old.
I guess my contepetive life will just have to wait a little while.
which makes my heart hurt.

live from somewhere between brooks and duchess its....easter weekend!

2008-03-21T18:07:00.000-06:00

so I went grocery shopping with my mom today and we ran into my mom's mom's cousin. (my grandma's cousin for all those who are genealogically impaired) and she asked if me and my younger sister (who is 20) were helping mom out at the grocery store and we smiled and said yes, then she leaned in and asked us if the Easter bunny had come for us yet. um...the Easter bunny has not come for about 17 years. I think he forgot where I lived. Anyway Aunt Bernice just smiled and said that he will probably come tomorrow. Yaay!!!! The Easter bunny is coming tomorrow!! (well according to my 80 year old aunt)
The lady at the checkout was orange. Literally. Hair, skin, nails, lips (well no her lips were bright pink I think that it was a last ditch effort to look like she had not spent the last 45 years stuck in a tanning bed)
what a town, what a town.

in other news my little sister Charis said that church this morning was like a time out. Yeah I think she had a good time.

take you by the left leg and throw you down the stairs.

2008-03-20T08:33:00.000-06:00

that is always something my Grandpa would say to me as a little girl then he would pick me up and pretend to throw me down the stairs.
no, my Grandfather is not a sadistic man who throws little girls down staircases. It was really quite a fun game at the time.
anyway the laptop is back from the Shop of the future. (Future shop) and let me tell you if that store is a herald of the future, then it is a bleak one. Well bleak as far as customer service goes.
so expect more posts now that I don't have to trudge down the stairs to the other computer in the 'basement office' ( that is what Jeremy calls it anyway.) sad. sad. sad.

swimming, spinach salad,steak, splenda, and the 9 hour stomach ache

2008-03-20T08:26:00.000-06:00

well yesterday was a bust. We did have a fun morning, Larissa and I took Evie and Selah swimming and then we came back here for lunch. I made a really good spinach salad with steak on top all was good until 2 that afternoon.....dun dun dun. Last week I had two huge gut aches, they both fell on the days when I ate spinach salad. But on those days I happened to have had starbucks coffee as well so I thought it was the coffee. Well it looks like I am allergic to spinach. I had a stomach ache that felt like alien babies were trying to break out of my gut for about 9 hours. I finally went away and i am feeling much better. Well I guess I will never be eating that again. again. ever ever again.

they've all gone to look for america

2008-03-14T19:48:00.001-06:00

There has not been time this week to sit down and rest my weary thoughts. The good news is that I bought a car charger so I have been driving around all week trying to charge my phone. I am glad that my mom is coming to Calgary tomorrow so that I can get my other charger back.

In other news I have been feeling so restless and stuck lately. I spent the week in Brooks last week and it was good to be home. I love to be home but I hate Brooks. I think I would move home if my family was not from such a stinky town. (literally) But on the other hand I love being there. I love being able to see people and be surrounded by my family and Jeremy's family. I would love to feel at home in the town I live in. I would love to go to a church where there is genuine community and we are known and loved. It is so hard to go back to calgary and be alone just me and Evie all day long for most of the days. I want to belong. I want to feel like I am home. I want something else.
I am stuck because Jeremy could never find a job in his specific field anywhere but a major center (Vancouver, Calgary, Ottawa etc.) and I am not moving to any of those other places. I would never ask him to give up what he loves to do for a living. (Or what he went to university for 5 years for and worked for another 4 to get his Peng. ) But in Calgary we never get ahead. The cost of living has really for all intents and purposes doubled in the last 5 years. The average price of a house had more than doubled. So no matter how many raises he gets it seems like we are always just above the water. I am tired to living like in a place that makes it seem like everyone has everything yet I can't imagine how anyone lives in this city. Jerm is a professional and make really really good money and yet the thought of getting into a $400,000 mortgage makes me want to sit down and cry. And the strange thing is that in this city you can get a shack for 275,000 or a really nice house for 350,00 to 400,000. So there is no winning.
frick , frick , frick, here come the fricks,
It seems like we can't live how we want.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-14T19:39:00.000-06:00

Airborne Settlement:

The makers of Airborne vitamin supplement have agreed to a $23.3 million class action settlement for false advertising. Though it's now marketed as nothing more than an immune booster, the manufacturer used to advertise Airborne could prevent or cure the common cold, despite the lack of any real clinical evidence for such claims. Airborne's makers did not make any concession of wrongdoing, though they will pay for ads telling consumers how to seek refunds. They've already launched a website with settlement details here.

The settlement may not end Airborne's legal difficulties, however, as the Federal Trade Commission and several state attorneys general are continuing to investigate the company's claims. For the time being, however, marketing experts apparently believe Airborne sales will remain strong.

yes sales of airborne will remain strong because I will buy every last tiny effervescent pill they sell.
I love this stuff and I think it works it has helped me fend off at least 4 to 5 colds this year alone. You can only get it in the USA so whenever my dad goes there he buys it by the boat load. humfff.

Oh well. I guess we will have to see what the American drug market comes up with next as the great miracle cure.

Kippers for breakfast, is it St. Swimmings day already?

2008-03-13T19:16:00.000-06:00

where do I get get my titles? Well that is a special process requiring 12 secret spices slow roasted to perfection... um no.. that's KFC. hmmm. Well this one was a quote from the Simpsons. The last one was something my mom said, some others are Jeremy said. One is a quote from the office. that is about it. Whatever phrase pops into my head at time.
And what dear friends does 'Mostly Nakers' mean?....well nakers is what we call Evie when she has no clothes on. Evie your nakers! And I guess the 'mostly' refers to what I am willing to share here I am willing to be exposed but not all the way, this is after all a public forum. So I am not nakers I am mostly nakers.
There I hope I have answered your questions and brought a little ray of light into your day.

His name was Lawrence, he worked there forever and he had a ring on every finger.

2008-03-10T18:33:00.001-06:00

Well we successfully made it back from brooks in one piece. Well almost one piece. I left my phone charger there.
this was my conversation with Jeremy this morning.

Did you remember to pack the phone charger?
the phone charger?
yeah cause I can't find it.
no I don't think...
click.

and that was the end of my phone.
so Evie and I went for a walk.

are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesn't love his wife just because he is unsure of what she looks like?

2008-03-04T21:51:00.001-07:00

Today my mom was talking on the phone with my sister and she (my sister) mentioned the singer Carrie Underwood and my mom said " Oh, isn't she the one that sings 'Jesus at the wheel?'"
I laughed for a while (about half an hour) then promptly wrote this song (to the tune of the song Jesus take the wheel)

Jesus at the wheel
everybody run
I think he's unlicensed.

Jesus at the wheel
everybody hide
you should all get inside.

glass of water crust of bread

2008-03-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

if she doesn't eat with me she doesn't eat at all!

apparently according to facebook I am the Disney princess Belle. Which is a good think because Belle seems to be the most pragmatic and levelheaded of all the princesses. And you know, if you are going to be a Disney Princess pragmatism seems to be one of the most desired qualities, that and a great singing voice, also you need the ability to write instant songs about your emotional status, and oh... you should have a pretty good rack as well.

taste in my mouth

2008-02-29T14:30:00.000-07:00

I did not want to put on my profile that I am a mom. It seems that the word is an all encompassing catastrophic smotherer of my other attributes as a human being. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and taking care of Evie. It brings me more joy that I could ever communicate here. But the connotation of saying "I'm a mom" hold so much negativity for me that I don't know what to do with it. For the most part I run in the opposite direction of the labels that people try to give me. There is something about being labeled that makes my insides burn. I can label myself but don't anyone else do it. I am more than a mom. I am more than the narrow label our society gives that word. I am Kristin. I am who I chose to be. I am sure other mothers feel this way too. and maybe because I am such a new mom I have not come to peace about what that word will really mean for me and for Evie and for any other children we have. I have hope that I will feel my way through this like I do most other things in life. As I write this there is a wiggly baby sitting on my lap gumming my arm and reaching for the keyboard. I suppose this a glimpse into how I will define motherhood in my life. I am the person that I always have been. Thinking, feeling, serious, analytical, joyful, loving but all these things hidden. Now my greatest joy, love and inspiration is sitting here visible on my lap for all the world to see.

oww my freakin' ears!

2008-02-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

you expect that kind of filth at Denny's, but here?

actually my arm hurts today. I got my tetanus booster shot yesterday when Evie got her 4 month shots.
my arm feels like a thousand children with a thousand tiny fists poked me for a 24 hour period. Yes that is exactly what it feels like, stupid arm.
well on the other hand Evie did well with her shots and seems to be feeling better this afternoon.
Last night on the other hand.
She woke up a 4 am.
which is odd because everyday she sleeps solid from 9:30-6:30 which is pretty good for me but last night i found myself watching 'the mom show' at 4:30 in the morning. I know why they put that show on at that hour, it is because that is when most moms are up wishing they were in bed exactly like the perfect moms on that bloody TV show most certainly are.
and then i discovered that we were out of diapers so we went to superstore at 8:30 this morning.
and then Evie threw up all over her exersaucer when we got home.
All my careful planning is gone to waste!
my day is going well.
all I am waiting for is goats to break into my house and chew off my legs. Yes that would just about complete my day.

Evie I am a big blue bumblebee!

2008-02-27T21:23:00.000-07:00

Today was a better day. Jerm gave me the night off last night and took Evie and I took a long bath and went to bed. It is amazing what a long bath and a long sleep will do for your outlook on life. It seems that exhaustion builds up and up and then I have a day like I did yesterday with no energy and contentment for life, but then somehow I bounce back and I become myself again.
Evie and I tried to go swimming this morning but it turns out that the swimming pool is the latest victim of Calgary's staff shortages. Apparently there was only two lifeguards and the pool was full. booearns. So we wandered around Cardel place and went to the library and read some books. I guess Evie better get used to spending time in the library because that is one of Jeremy's favorite places. It is funny how kids tend to get dragged to the places and activities that their parents like and participate in. I remember spending hours and hours in the freaking fabric store and to this day whenever I pass one I shudder. I guess that is why I will never sew more than a button on a shirt. I guess Evie is lucky that we like libraries an swimming pools. On the other hand she will probably be sick of Starbucks by the time she is old enough to order her very own tall caramel macchiato to be just like her addicted mommy.

hard day

2008-02-26T21:46:00.000-07:00

I woke up exhausted today and not ready to face the world
there seemed to be a familiar heaviness and sadness moving around with me today
an anxiety in my chest
an impatience in my dealings with Evie.
luckily it was a day where she needed naps and slept a lot of the day
I get these days every once in a while.
dead days
sad days
anxious day
money, my weight, living in Calgary where buying a house (which we are saving to do) is taking years longer and getting more expensive by the month
there is nothing I want yet I crave everything
something to fill this hole where my hope has left me

commitment issues

2008-02-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

so it looks like I have blogger commitment issues.
I attempting to work through these and blogger seems to be willing to forgive and help us move on. After all it did give me a new template.
I love a fresh start.

swallowing fish

2007-05-16T18:32:00.000-06:00

so Jeremy asked me the other day what it was like to feel the little bambino move around for the first time. I said I think it is probabaly like the same sensation as swallowing some live gold fish. Something is moving around inside me and its not me.
it is strange to feel.

stress

2007-05-09T17:21:00.000-06:00

so i am following in Jeremy's footsteps and looking up my titles on google images
apparently this is stress
I suppose it would be scary for the cow knowing he is going
to have to go back in the water
so looking for a house in Calgary
is about as impossible as it gets
and i am hoping that
we find something that we can afford but is still nice.
that is just about too difficult to find.
work is going well but it is still
so difficult to drag myself out of bed in the morning
to a place where my bed is not.
so needless to say i am stressed
well more like anxious.
at least i am exhausted enough at the end of the day
to still fall asleep within 5 min. of going to bed.

shoes

2007-04-29T08:22:00.000-06:00

what made last night even worse
was that i did not wear sensible shoes
my feet felt like bloody stumps at the end.
this morning i will use my handy foot massager michelle
gave me.
horray!!!!

endings

2007-04-29T07:59:00.000-06:00

Amongst the vending machines and year old magazines
in a place where we only say good-bye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories
depend on a faulty camera in our mind
But I knew that you were a truth that I would rather lose
than to have never lain beside at all.
-Death Cab for Cutie

i have friends where i have found truth and beauty.
They are people who with out knowing it
have transformed me.

last night i said good-bye to some of these people

For the first time in my life i feel as if i have lost something beautiful
in friends that i can never get back

they are all going off and starting masters programs and universities around the country
and i am here.

i feel as if they have walked off with dreams
and have plans and goals
and i am lost

it was grad last night
and i think it will be my last official function that i participate in with the College
it was an end for all of us
yet they walked away with a degree
and i walked away empty

i tell myself that my plans are not lost
they are just on hold for a few years
i hope that when the time comes for me
to pick them up again
i will have the courage
to follow through

my friends are gone and i will miss the comfort of their presence
what can be said about a night like last night
when an entire piece of my world passed out of my grasp
and i have no choice but to move on

hmpph

2007-04-23T09:26:00.000-06:00

So I am sick again.
I made it half way to work and then had to turn around because I was about to throw up all over myself in the car. no fun.
I made it home but I think this may be more than just morning sickness comming back . I think I have to flu.
I am so sick of being sick.
my immune system is shot.
and I am germ velcro.

Some good news.
My friend michelle has solved the smelly feet problem in my life,
no she did not get me new non stink holding shoes
she bought me a water foot massager
horray!!!!
She also knitted a blanket for the baby,
but I am so glad my friends know it is just as important to get me a gift as it is
to get a gift for a baby who does not even know it is getting a gift

so today I plan on soaking my feet in between bouts of sickness.
sounds like a good day.
no not really
i hope i can eat something today.

boring

2007-04-18T17:17:00.000-06:00

I have the most boring blog on the face of the planet but I am too tired to care
I keep thinking I will update it with all the things going on in my life but every evening
I say, I'll do it tommorow

so I have started work again

frick my feet stink
I think I need new shoes
non stink holding ones

this is my new strategy
just say whatever comes to my mind
it seems to work for other blogs that get
regularly up dated

I am also writing my blogs in non- prose style
which seems to work for random thoughts a little better
I like it this way

I am so tired tonight
I left work earlier today after reading the same sentance about 4 times and not absorbing anything.
my brain is full of historical/interpretive skills development info that I am trying to fit into the training schedule for our summer staff

but it does feel good to be back at work
to be needed, busy, and knowlegable
I like my job

I think I will just change my socks.

still snowing. still sick.

2007-04-05T14:59:00.000-06:00

ok so.
I haven't updated for a while.
That is due to many factors.
most of which include me throwing up most every day.
and getting another cold.
which makes two in the span of umm lets say one month.
I guess the reason for the throwing up is obvious
or it will be in another month or so
but most of you know there is a new Ramer on the way.
horray!

worst weekend ever

2007-03-18T13:50:00.000-06:00

so this has been one of the worst weekends on record. I hate conflict. I also hate the flu. I had both this weekend. I was attacked by a strange virus that included both the stomach flu, a cold, a sore throat, a fever and the usual aches that come with the flu. It has been two days of calling ralph on the big white telephone (which is the handy euphemism my dad used when one of us kids would throw up) When I get sick I also get insomnia. So Jeremy has sat up these last few nights with me, feeling my head and telling me I feel like I am on fire. Well my head may be on fire but the rest of me feels like it has been dipped in ice water.
frickity frick. I hate this weekend. (apparently the sailor steering this boat had the worst weekend ever also, or that is at least what Google images liked to title this picture.)

an answer

2007-03-17T10:17:00.000-06:00

In response to my last post an author has asked me why her comments made me so upset. The answer is plain and simple. I am sure anyone would get upset and hurt if they felt publicly shamed and judged. If you call someone names in public it is obviously going to hurt and that person will probably defend themselves. There is no deeper issue here other than to say thank you for your apology, I hope you will remember to be more careful with your words and judgments in the future. If any of my words have been misunderstood and hurtful I also apologize.

convenient interpretation

2007-03-16T17:45:00.000-06:00

Most Christians claim to be "Biblical Christians" They claim to follow the bible as God's word and as an authority for how they live their lives. They think that they follow the bible as how it is meant to be followed. They think they are coming to their own conclusions when they read the bible. I would argue that we are all guilty of convenient interpretation. We see the bible and read it with one narrow interpretation or how it most conveniently fits into our lives. We do not see how there is 2000 years of history, thought, theology and philosophy that informs our reading of scripture. Most do not know how many diverse interpretations of theological issues exist or for the hundereds of years they have been argued over. Or, as most people do, we take it for what we want to take it for. A perfect example of this is the issue of women. We do not presume to interpret the passages that say that women should not wear braided hair, gold jewelry and other such adornments literally, we say " oh that was for that time and place, it is cultural." But in the same breath these supposed "Biblical Christians" say that women should not lead or teach, that they must take a submissive role in the church and in the home. This is an easy example of this convenient interpretation that pervades the so called 'biblical church' If we say we want to live literally by some of the passages then we must according to logic live literally by the rest of the things Paul mentions.
But let us be honest with ourselves and with everyone around us. We are all guilty of picking things out of the bible that we like and ignoring the things we don't like.
I think it takes courage and a heart that truly is seeking truth to face these contradictions and think about them and not just accept the same old same old answers.
This is one of the smallest, but most obvious reasons why I don't believe in the submission of women. This is by no means a proper theological or academic discussion on the topic. (but we could have one if anyone wants) That is because this is my blog. This is not an academic paper that I am writing. This is where I post my opinions. Please readers do not take these things personally. I am not asking anyone to believe what I believe only that they truly examine the evidence and use critical thinking skills in life instead of ignorance. That is all I am advocating. Critical thinking.

judgement

2007-03-16T17:31:00.000-06:00

I was recently attacked for my interpretation on the role of women in this day and age.
I think that the person who attacked me read a little portion of what i was thinking and called me immature and told me that sorrows would come in my life to shape me.
I would like to say that I have studied theology academically now for three and a half years and any conclusions that I have come to are not flippant ones that I think of on my own they are rooted many hours of thought, discussion, history, philosophy and the wisdom of people who have lived far greater lives than me and also thought about these things. They are also not just swallowing what the church says you have to believe or what is right to believe to be a christian. They are also arrived at through experience. I have walked through darkness and beauty, I have battled with depression and finding my way out of it. God has walked with me through sorrow and darkness to healing and joy. He has walked with me through the destruction of my family and to the restoration of it, he has walked with me through the death of my spirit and the resurrection of it. I have see a lot. I have felt a lot and I have walked through even more. I have struggled to live with integrity and brutal honesty over what i think, believe and ultimately do.
This person implored me to think.
I would expect from the same to this person.
and I would also say that your judgments are incredibly hurtful. You did not just disagree you judged me, labeled me and called me down.
I would love to live world where not all people believe the same things, we may disagree we also may fervently argue our point of view but we do not judge. We say to each other, you may not be live the way I do, you may not worship God the way I do but I will respect that and love you anyway and build you up not tear you down.
I think that the person who said these things to me is a brave, strong and beautiful woman. She has inspired me in the way that she lives her life. I am sad that she resorted to judgement and to hurtful words and setting herself up as some sort of quasi authority for my marriage.

spring

2007-03-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning thinking it was spring. my heart skipped a beat until I looked out the window. crap. I have never been this partial towards spring but for some reason I am so so sick of winter this year. I could almost taste the flowers this morning. Well it is not as if i eat flowers. but this morning i think i would have. A big bite of garden.
it is still winter.

prior revleation

2007-03-03T22:15:00.000-07:00

I have heard it said that any new revelation of God and his works must follow prior revelation. That is to say if what we think God is saying does not line up with the biblical revelation of who he is and how he works then it is not true. The the bible is the so called plumb line to determine all acts that are truly of God or not. I was thinking about this and thought that if the Nation of Israel suddenly announced a mandate to exterminate the entire Palestinian Nation every man, woman, child and baby that this would be in line with past biblical revelation about God. In the old testament God did indeed order the extermination of the Amalekites every man, woman, child and baby.
what does this say about the biblical revelation of God?

women

2007-03-03T21:43:00.000-07:00

We are told that to be good christian women we must submit to our husbands. That man is the head of the household and that women are to submit to the supposed authority given to them by God and anointed by the christian church.
I think that women accept this pattern of living not just because the church tells them they must in order to be good and to avoid sinning, but I think more importantly women use this as a convenient excuse to escape the moral ambiguity of life. Life is confusing, painful and full of things that we cannot, no matter how hard we try, reconcile through the supposed christian worldview.
I do not think that women do this consciously but in the end it is accomplished through the sheer force of fear that they willingly give up their right to critical thinking and accept this second rate human existence.
The most beautiful women I know take participate in humanity. They walk through the moral ambiguity of life with eyes wide open, they are responsible for interpreting the world around them and acting on the convictions of their thoughts and hearts.
this is the kind of woman that I seek to be.

lazy weekend

2007-02-26T12:15:00.000-07:00

so it was another lazy weekend. You can see Jeremy engaged in his favorite activity. Falling asleep on the couch while reading.
I think I was watching a movie.
anyway we did get out and took the train to the library (another one of Jeremys favorite places) and then spent the afternoon reading at a new cafe we found near our house. The cafe is in Kensington and we have passed it many times on our way to Starbucks. As it turns out we did this again on saturday only to get to starbucks and find that the line up went out the door. So we walked back to the other Cafe and went in. I found myself plesantly surprised. We had lunch and coffee all in one place!! Yes, as you can see that my life has definitly picked up in excitment when this is the highlight of my weekend. We also washed the car and ate chineese food.