taste in my mouth

I did not want to put on my profile that I am a mom. It seems that the word is an all encompassing catastrophic smotherer of my other attributes as a human being. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and taking care of Evie. It brings me more joy that I could ever communicate here. But the connotation of saying "I'm a mom" hold so much negativity for me that I don't know what to do with it. For the most part I run in the opposite direction of the labels that people try to give me. There is something about being labeled that makes my insides burn. I can label myself but don't anyone else do it. I am more than a mom. I am more than the narrow label our society gives that word. I am Kristin. I am who I chose to be. I am sure other mothers feel this way too. and maybe because I am such a new mom I have not come to peace about what that word will really mean for me and for Evie and for any other children we have. I have hope that I will feel my way through this like I do most other things in life. As I write this there is a wiggly baby sitting on my lap gumming my arm and reaching for the keyboard. I suppose this a glimpse into how I will define motherhood in my life. I am the person that I always have been. Thinking, feeling, serious, analytical, joyful, loving but all these things hidden. Now my greatest joy, love and inspiration is sitting here visible on my lap for all the world to see.

oww my freakin' ears!

you expect that kind of filth at Denny's, but here?

actually my arm hurts today. I got my tetanus booster shot yesterday when Evie got her 4 month shots.
my arm feels like a thousand children with a thousand tiny fists poked me for a 24 hour period. Yes that is exactly what it feels like, stupid arm.
well on the other hand Evie did well with her shots and seems to be feeling better this afternoon.
Last night on the other hand.
She woke up a 4 am.
which is odd because everyday she sleeps solid from 9:30-6:30 which is pretty good for me but last night i found myself watching 'the mom show' at 4:30 in the morning. I know why they put that show on at that hour, it is because that is when most moms are up wishing they were in bed exactly like the perfect moms on that bloody TV show most certainly are.
and then i discovered that we were out of diapers so we went to superstore at 8:30 this morning.
and then Evie threw up all over her exersaucer when we got home.
All my careful planning is gone to waste!
my day is going well.
all I am waiting for is goats to break into my house and chew off my legs. Yes that would just about complete my day.

Evie I am a big blue bumblebee!

Today was a better day. Jerm gave me the night off last night and took Evie and I took a long bath and went to bed. It is amazing what a long bath and a long sleep will do for your outlook on life. It seems that exhaustion builds up and up and then I have a day like I did yesterday with no energy and contentment for life, but then somehow I bounce back and I become myself again.
Evie and I tried to go swimming this morning but it turns out that the swimming pool is the latest victim of Calgary's staff shortages. Apparently there was only two lifeguards and the pool was full. booearns. So we wandered around Cardel place and went to the library and read some books. I guess Evie better get used to spending time in the library because that is one of Jeremy's favorite places. It is funny how kids tend to get dragged to the places and activities that their parents like and participate in. I remember spending hours and hours in the freaking fabric store and to this day whenever I pass one I shudder. I guess that is why I will never sew more than a button on a shirt. I guess Evie is lucky that we like libraries an swimming pools. On the other hand she will probably be sick of Starbucks by the time she is old enough to order her very own tall caramel macchiato to be just like her addicted mommy.

hard day

I woke up exhausted today and not ready to face the world
there seemed to be a familiar heaviness and sadness moving around with me today
an anxiety in my chest
an impatience in my dealings with Evie.
luckily it was a day where she needed naps and slept a lot of the day
I get these days every once in a while.
dead days
sad days
anxious day
money, my weight, living in Calgary where buying a house (which we are saving to do) is taking years longer and getting more expensive by the month
there is nothing I want yet I crave everything
something to fill this hole where my hope has left me

commitment issues

so it looks like I have blogger commitment issues.
I attempting to work through these and blogger seems to be willing to forgive and help us move on. After all it did give me a new template.
I love a fresh start.

swallowing fish

so Jeremy asked me the other day what it was like to feel the little bambino move around for the first time. I said I think it is probabaly like the same sensation as swallowing some live gold fish. Something is moving around inside me and its not me.
it is strange to feel.

stress

so i am following in Jeremy's footsteps and looking up my titles on google images
apparently this is stress
I suppose it would be scary for the cow knowing he is going
to have to go back in the water
so looking for a house in Calgary
is about as impossible as it gets
and i am hoping that
we find something that we can afford but is still nice.
that is just about too difficult to find.
work is going well but it is still
so difficult to drag myself out of bed in the morning
to a place where my bed is not.
so needless to say i am stressed
well more like anxious.
at least i am exhausted enough at the end of the day
to still fall asleep within 5 min. of going to bed.

shoes

what made last night even worse
was that i did not wear sensible shoes
my feet felt like bloody stumps at the end.
this morning i will use my handy foot massager michelle
gave me.
horray!!!!

endings

Amongst the vending machines and year old magazines
in a place where we only say good-bye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories
depend on a faulty camera in our mind
But I knew that you were a truth that I would rather lose
than to have never lain beside at all.
-Death Cab for Cutie

i have friends where i have found truth and beauty.
They are people who with out knowing it
have transformed me.

last night i said good-bye to some of these people

For the first time in my life i feel as if i have lost something beautiful
in friends that i can never get back

they are all going off and starting masters programs and universities around the country
and i am here.

i feel as if they have walked off with dreams
and have plans and goals
and i am lost

it was grad last night
and i think it will be my last official function that i participate in with the College
it was an end for all of us
yet they walked away with a degree
and i walked away empty

i tell myself that my plans are not lost
they are just on hold for a few years
i hope that when the time comes for me
to pick them up again
i will have the courage
to follow through

my friends are gone and i will miss the comfort of their presence
what can be said about a night like last night
when an entire piece of my world passed out of my grasp
and i have no choice but to move on

hmpph

So I am sick again.
I made it half way to work and then had to turn around because I was about to throw up all over myself in the car. no fun.
I made it home but I think this may be more than just morning sickness comming back . I think I have to flu.
I am so sick of being sick.
my immune system is shot.
and I am germ velcro.

Some good news.
My friend michelle has solved the smelly feet problem in my life,
no she did not get me new non stink holding shoes
she bought me a water foot massager
horray!!!!
She also knitted a blanket for the baby,
but I am so glad my friends know it is just as important to get me a gift as it is
to get a gift for a baby who does not even know it is getting a gift

so today I plan on soaking my feet in between bouts of sickness.
sounds like a good day.
no not really
i hope i can eat something today.

boring

I have the most boring blog on the face of the planet but I am too tired to care
I keep thinking I will update it with all the things going on in my life but every evening
I say, I'll do it tommorow

so I have started work again

frick my feet stink
I think I need new shoes
non stink holding ones

this is my new strategy
just say whatever comes to my mind
it seems to work for other blogs that get
regularly up dated

I am also writing my blogs in non- prose style
which seems to work for random thoughts a little better
I like it this way

I am so tired tonight
I left work earlier today after reading the same sentance about 4 times and not absorbing anything.
my brain is full of historical/interpretive skills development info that I am trying to fit into the training schedule for our summer staff

but it does feel good to be back at work
to be needed, busy, and knowlegable
I like my job

I think I will just change my socks.

still snowing. still sick.

ok so.
I haven't updated for a while.
That is due to many factors.
most of which include me throwing up most every day.
and getting another cold.
which makes two in the span of umm lets say one month.
I guess the reason for the throwing up is obvious
or it will be in another month or so
but most of you know there is a new Ramer on the way.
horray!

worst weekend ever

so this has been one of the worst weekends on record. I hate conflict. I also hate the flu. I had both this weekend. I was attacked by a strange virus that included both the stomach flu, a cold, a sore throat, a fever and the usual aches that come with the flu. It has been two days of calling ralph on the big white telephone (which is the handy euphemism my dad used when one of us kids would throw up) When I get sick I also get insomnia. So Jeremy has sat up these last few nights with me, feeling my head and telling me I feel like I am on fire. Well my head may be on fire but the rest of me feels like it has been dipped in ice water.
frickity frick. I hate this weekend. (apparently the sailor steering this boat had the worst weekend ever also, or that is at least what Google images liked to title this picture.)

an answer

In response to my last post an author has asked me why her comments made me so upset. The answer is plain and simple. I am sure anyone would get upset and hurt if they felt publicly shamed and judged. If you call someone names in public it is obviously going to hurt and that person will probably defend themselves. There is no deeper issue here other than to say thank you for your apology, I hope you will remember to be more careful with your words and judgments in the future. If any of my words have been misunderstood and hurtful I also apologize.

convenient interpretation

Most Christians claim to be "Biblical Christians" They claim to follow the bible as God's word and as an authority for how they live their lives. They think that they follow the bible as how it is meant to be followed. They think they are coming to their own conclusions when they read the bible. I would argue that we are all guilty of convenient interpretation. We see the bible and read it with one narrow interpretation or how it most conveniently fits into our lives. We do not see how there is 2000 years of history, thought, theology and philosophy that informs our reading of scripture. Most do not know how many diverse interpretations of theological issues exist or for the hundereds of years they have been argued over. Or, as most people do, we take it for what we want to take it for. A perfect example of this is the issue of women. We do not presume to interpret the passages that say that women should not wear braided hair, gold jewelry and other such adornments literally, we say " oh that was for that time and place, it is cultural." But in the same breath these supposed "Biblical Christians" say that women should not lead or teach, that they must take a submissive role in the church and in the home. This is an easy example of this convenient interpretation that pervades the so called 'biblical church' If we say we want to live literally by some of the passages then we must according to logic live literally by the rest of the things Paul mentions.
But let us be honest with ourselves and with everyone around us. We are all guilty of picking things out of the bible that we like and ignoring the things we don't like.
I think it takes courage and a heart that truly is seeking truth to face these contradictions and think about them and not just accept the same old same old answers.
This is one of the smallest, but most obvious reasons why I don't believe in the submission of women. This is by no means a proper theological or academic discussion on the topic. (but we could have one if anyone wants) That is because this is my blog. This is not an academic paper that I am writing. This is where I post my opinions. Please readers do not take these things personally. I am not asking anyone to believe what I believe only that they truly examine the evidence and use critical thinking skills in life instead of ignorance. That is all I am advocating. Critical thinking.

judgement

I was recently attacked for my interpretation on the role of women in this day and age.
I think that the person who attacked me read a little portion of what i was thinking and called me immature and told me that sorrows would come in my life to shape me.
I would like to say that I have studied theology academically now for three and a half years and any conclusions that I have come to are not flippant ones that I think of on my own they are rooted many hours of thought, discussion, history, philosophy and the wisdom of people who have lived far greater lives than me and also thought about these things. They are also not just swallowing what the church says you have to believe or what is right to believe to be a christian. They are also arrived at through experience. I have walked through darkness and beauty, I have battled with depression and finding my way out of it. God has walked with me through sorrow and darkness to healing and joy. He has walked with me through the destruction of my family and to the restoration of it, he has walked with me through the death of my spirit and the resurrection of it. I have see a lot. I have felt a lot and I have walked through even more. I have struggled to live with integrity and brutal honesty over what i think, believe and ultimately do.
This person implored me to think.
I would expect from the same to this person.
and I would also say that your judgments are incredibly hurtful. You did not just disagree you judged me, labeled me and called me down.
I would love to live world where not all people believe the same things, we may disagree we also may fervently argue our point of view but we do not judge. We say to each other, you may not be live the way I do, you may not worship God the way I do but I will respect that and love you anyway and build you up not tear you down.
I think that the person who said these things to me is a brave, strong and beautiful woman. She has inspired me in the way that she lives her life. I am sad that she resorted to judgement and to hurtful words and setting herself up as some sort of quasi authority for my marriage.

spring

I woke up this morning thinking it was spring. my heart skipped a beat until I looked out the window. crap. I have never been this partial towards spring but for some reason I am so so sick of winter this year. I could almost taste the flowers this morning. Well it is not as if i eat flowers. but this morning i think i would have. A big bite of garden.
it is still winter.

prior revleation

I have heard it said that any new revelation of God and his works must follow prior revelation. That is to say if what we think God is saying does not line up with the biblical revelation of who he is and how he works then it is not true. The the bible is the so called plumb line to determine all acts that are truly of God or not. I was thinking about this and thought that if the Nation of Israel suddenly announced a mandate to exterminate the entire Palestinian Nation every man, woman, child and baby that this would be in line with past biblical revelation about God. In the old testament God did indeed order the extermination of the Amalekites every man, woman, child and baby.
what does this say about the biblical revelation of God?

women

We are told that to be good christian women we must submit to our husbands. That man is the head of the household and that women are to submit to the supposed authority given to them by God and anointed by the christian church.
I think that women accept this pattern of living not just because the church tells them they must in order to be good and to avoid sinning, but I think more importantly women use this as a convenient excuse to escape the moral ambiguity of life. Life is confusing, painful and full of things that we cannot, no matter how hard we try, reconcile through the supposed christian worldview.
I do not think that women do this consciously but in the end it is accomplished through the sheer force of fear that they willingly give up their right to critical thinking and accept this second rate human existence.
The most beautiful women I know take participate in humanity. They walk through the moral ambiguity of life with eyes wide open, they are responsible for interpreting the world around them and acting on the convictions of their thoughts and hearts.
this is the kind of woman that I seek to be.

lazy weekend

so it was another lazy weekend. You can see Jeremy engaged in his favorite activity. Falling asleep on the couch while reading.
I think I was watching a movie.
anyway we did get out and took the train to the library (another one of Jeremys favorite places) and then spent the afternoon reading at a new cafe we found near our house. The cafe is in Kensington and we have passed it many times on our way to Starbucks. As it turns out we did this again on saturday only to get to starbucks and find that the line up went out the door. So we walked back to the other Cafe and went in. I found myself plesantly surprised. We had lunch and coffee all in one place!! Yes, as you can see that my life has definitly picked up in excitment when this is the highlight of my weekend. We also washed the car and ate chineese food.