taste in my mouth

I did not want to put on my profile that I am a mom. It seems that the word is an all encompassing catastrophic smotherer of my other attributes as a human being. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom and taking care of Evie. It brings me more joy that I could ever communicate here. But the connotation of saying "I'm a mom" hold so much negativity for me that I don't know what to do with it. For the most part I run in the opposite direction of the labels that people try to give me. There is something about being labeled that makes my insides burn. I can label myself but don't anyone else do it. I am more than a mom. I am more than the narrow label our society gives that word. I am Kristin. I am who I chose to be. I am sure other mothers feel this way too. and maybe because I am such a new mom I have not come to peace about what that word will really mean for me and for Evie and for any other children we have. I have hope that I will feel my way through this like I do most other things in life. As I write this there is a wiggly baby sitting on my lap gumming my arm and reaching for the keyboard. I suppose this a glimpse into how I will define motherhood in my life. I am the person that I always have been. Thinking, feeling, serious, analytical, joyful, loving but all these things hidden. Now my greatest joy, love and inspiration is sitting here visible on my lap for all the world to see.

oww my freakin' ears!

you expect that kind of filth at Denny's, but here?

actually my arm hurts today. I got my tetanus booster shot yesterday when Evie got her 4 month shots.
my arm feels like a thousand children with a thousand tiny fists poked me for a 24 hour period. Yes that is exactly what it feels like, stupid arm.
well on the other hand Evie did well with her shots and seems to be feeling better this afternoon.
Last night on the other hand.
She woke up a 4 am.
which is odd because everyday she sleeps solid from 9:30-6:30 which is pretty good for me but last night i found myself watching 'the mom show' at 4:30 in the morning. I know why they put that show on at that hour, it is because that is when most moms are up wishing they were in bed exactly like the perfect moms on that bloody TV show most certainly are.
and then i discovered that we were out of diapers so we went to superstore at 8:30 this morning.
and then Evie threw up all over her exersaucer when we got home.
All my careful planning is gone to waste!
my day is going well.
all I am waiting for is goats to break into my house and chew off my legs. Yes that would just about complete my day.

Evie I am a big blue bumblebee!

Today was a better day. Jerm gave me the night off last night and took Evie and I took a long bath and went to bed. It is amazing what a long bath and a long sleep will do for your outlook on life. It seems that exhaustion builds up and up and then I have a day like I did yesterday with no energy and contentment for life, but then somehow I bounce back and I become myself again.
Evie and I tried to go swimming this morning but it turns out that the swimming pool is the latest victim of Calgary's staff shortages. Apparently there was only two lifeguards and the pool was full. booearns. So we wandered around Cardel place and went to the library and read some books. I guess Evie better get used to spending time in the library because that is one of Jeremy's favorite places. It is funny how kids tend to get dragged to the places and activities that their parents like and participate in. I remember spending hours and hours in the freaking fabric store and to this day whenever I pass one I shudder. I guess that is why I will never sew more than a button on a shirt. I guess Evie is lucky that we like libraries an swimming pools. On the other hand she will probably be sick of Starbucks by the time she is old enough to order her very own tall caramel macchiato to be just like her addicted mommy.

hard day

I woke up exhausted today and not ready to face the world
there seemed to be a familiar heaviness and sadness moving around with me today
an anxiety in my chest
an impatience in my dealings with Evie.
luckily it was a day where she needed naps and slept a lot of the day
I get these days every once in a while.
dead days
sad days
anxious day
money, my weight, living in Calgary where buying a house (which we are saving to do) is taking years longer and getting more expensive by the month
there is nothing I want yet I crave everything
something to fill this hole where my hope has left me

commitment issues

so it looks like I have blogger commitment issues.
I attempting to work through these and blogger seems to be willing to forgive and help us move on. After all it did give me a new template.
I love a fresh start.