hard day

so I spent all afternoon at the Children's Hospital. My cousin Madison (who is 7 ) is in there. He went in for surgery this weekend for his kidney. He seemed fine and the surgery went well, until last night when he has a seizure and went into a coma. His brain stem is swollen and the doctors can't figure out why and are trying out treatments that may work but may make it worse. He is still in the ICU in a coma and is totally non-responsive. We are all just talking to him and hoping that he can hear us. This afternoon, the doctors decided that they wanted to take all precautions and so we had to wear masks and gowns just to be near him. Evie spent the afternoon with my dad so that I could be there.
What words are there to describe a situation like this?
There is nothing left except for God to move.

The Electric Version

So Evie started putting herself to sleep this weekend. We had a half hour disagreement on Friday about whether she was going to take a nap. (a disagreement includes her arching her back and using all of her strength to scream and try and wiggle out of my arms) So I decided to see if she would fall asleep on her own if I just laid her in her crib and said good night and left, and she did. So from then on she has fallen asleep on her own. Which is a good thing for me because that seemed to be the main struggle that would set off her day into disaster grumpy sparkle times. ( I am using the Japanese to English translation)
I also spent the day yesterday making baby food. We went to the farmers market and I cooked and pureed most of the afternoon and now Evie has peas, carrots, sweet potato, yams, broccoli, beans, and butternut squash to eat for the next little while. So far she has eaten peas, carrots and sweet potato and seems to like all three.
We went to get her six month shots on Friday and apparently she is in the 60th percentile for height and the 40th for weight. Even though she eats a lot it seems like it is just going to fuel her height.
She has also decided that even though she goes to bed at 9 pm, 6 am is a good time to get up. I don't know why she is not sleeping in anymore. But I am tired and I don't know how to get her to sleep longer. And when she wakes up so early she is grumpy all morning.
tired. must sleep longer.

that one's got some mustard on it

so I had two dreams last night. The first dream was a horrible nightmare that is not worth repeating and took me half an hour to fall asleep after the second dream was this-
I was in the basement in Trinity Lutheran Church in Brooks (this is the church which I grew up in until I was about 14) anyway the basement was pitch black but I could still see where I was but I was petrified, I mean really paralyzed by fear. I just stood in one spot in the dark and looked around and tried to listen for sound but it was quiet. I thought that I could get out of there if I just made a run for it. So I started running as fast as I could down the back hallway up the back staircase and through the library. I was going to run out the back door when I overshot my mark and ran into the sanctuary. I knew I was going to have to run back so I started running back but then was overcome with fear again and just sat down right beside the back door. I was paralyzed with fear again and could not move and just sat on the ground in the dark. Then I saw that there was a bunch of Evie's toys all around me and her diaper bag sat beside me empty. I told myself that I was not going to be afraid that I had to clean up Evie's toys and get the diaper bag together so I started to slowly reach for things and pack the bag as quietly as I could. Then I heard footsteps in the distance and as they got louder and louder my fear increased because I knew someone or something was in the building with me. Then I saw some legs and I looked up and it was Jeremy and he said ' Come on let's go, we'll get out of here' and he picked me up and helped me out the door, down the steps and into our car and we drove away.
so that was the end of the dream.
My dreams are usually quite vivid and I frequently have dreams that could be considered spiritual. In these dreams I am usually shown things for me or my family. God has shown me some things that I will never forget through these dreams. I am wondering what this dream is all about. I am really not quite sure. Some dreams seem obvious on the surface but then have some deeper meaning for some spiritual battle that is going on. Sometimes I have dreams that puzzle me and years later I will be shown what they mean. I guess I will just wait to see if it yields anything else to me other than confusion.

look I'm a Cylon babysitter!

this weekend was pretty good.
we had Kelsey over on Saturday night and we went out for dinner and then came back here for dessert. ( a lovely and delicious apple crisp if I do say so myself) and the Lar and Alex and Selah came over for dinner on Sunday. (a sumptuous meal of sweet curry chicken, garlic mashed potatoes, and veggies) ( I asked jerm if he thought about how lucky he was that he scored a girl who can cook, and tears welled up in his eyes and he said 'i love you, you make my life more than wonderful', ...um no that is not what happened ...he laughed and then said 'yeah you could of ended up cooking like me.' ) thanks anyway.

I have found myself very discontented living here in the suburbs of Calgary.Jerm and I have been talking a lot lately about what we want out of life (and it is not like we have not had these discussions many times before but things and people change, especially when you get married young and we always just want to be up to speed on these things about each other) But I feel like I have narrowed down what I want out of life to about three things.
I either want a simple life lived in the midst of community re: the only place we can get that is living in Duchess and I would not mind that for a few years at least until our kid (s) are done school but that is really not going to happen as per Jerm's job description.
or I want to live in the middle of the city where everything is going on and you feel as if you are a part of some larger stream of things and can get a pulse on what the mood and atmosphere is in the lager aspect of society (living in the burbs I get to see what other moms are up to and so far it seems that it is a competition of who has the cutest baby, most brand name baby products and stroller that cost at least $1000. yikes. )But the inner city is even more expensive than the suburbs. hummf.
or I want some adventure.
so Jerm and I have been looking into going away for 6 months to a year on some sort of humanitarian deal of a kind, and he is looking into overseas jobs. But it is a little more complicated with a baby. We have never been able to travel ( or really do what we want because we have always been in massive student loan and other debt, but that is about 90% paid off and will be totally paid off by the summer) so now we can do something because we will not have monthly payments to make. But if we go somewhere and Jerm works that is all well and good for him but what am I going to do all day long? If we are in a 1st world country that will be no problem Evie and I will just explore and hang out, but we can't do that in a developing nation and then what am I supposed to do? I can't just volunteer because I don't really have much free time during the day.

anyway so there are our three options. all of them impossible. or near impossible. But right now we have none of them. no community, no adventure and no inner city living. And I keep thinking we only have one life why waste even one more year somewhere where neither of us wants to be. we are just stuck and I am not sure what to do or where to go. I am feeling very unsatisfied with life in general at this point. It is hard to admit but I just don't know what to do.

and after all the tides have swallowed all the shore, I couldn't find you anymore

so far this blog has been pretty light, keep it happy keep it funny. But there are some things that I am dealing with right now that are not light.
Last time I had a blog I did some posts that were more along the lines of speculative thinking outside the box of mainstream 'christianity' and there was some backlash. That is to say, I was attacked out of the blue on someone elses blog (someone that I know), who also wrote an email to Jerm saying that I was pretty much going to destroy our marriage if I continued to believe these things. The fact that I was attacked really really impacted me. Anyway, I am now more hesitant to enter into anything deep or speculative. I am feeling pretty burned by this person and the whole situation in general. I am unsure if they read my blog anymore, but I suppose it does not really matter. What a mess, what a mess. In any case Jerm doesn't really talk to this person anymore, and it is not that he does not want a relationship it is because things are just kind of uncomfortable. (he says for his part he wants to but is not sure how to deal with the conflict here, I am sure that forgiveness and restoration is possible I just don't know how without dealing directly with the situation) I am at a loss at to what is appropriate in this situation. This whole situation would not even be worth mentioning, except to say that it did impact me and it is sort of a fear that resides in the back of my mind as I set out to write anything that may be the least bit 'ify'
well in any case now that it is on the table I feel like it is possible to at least be mostly honest on here. Keep in mind that the things I write and believe I never ask anyone else to believe but I think the questions need to be asked and there is nothing that I feel is too sacred to question.
well here goes at my attempt at being open.

schnooooooowwww!!!

so this was the view outside our back door this morning. I thought winter was over.
hahahaha ( diabolical laugh from winter)
how does it fool me every year?
oh winter. I have learned never to let my guard down around you. I hate you.
I hate you...no, um I mean ...um....
hahaa.hah (uneasy laugh) but really folks I have strong feelings toward this season that we find ourselves lingering in.
at least I got some good pictures ( note the new picture to your right)

and we're not having cold mush for lunch today...yay!!!...we're having warm mush

She eats!
I started feeding Evie some solids this week.
Well solids are a slightly exaggerated term for what she eats.
It is really closer to warm rice mush.
I'm thinking it might taste pretty special (that is for all you 'Suburban Souls' stars, fans, and creators out there)
Actually I tasted some and surprisingly it tastes exactly what you would think warm rice mush would taste like.


Here is Evie sitting in her new high chair

and here is the finished product


you may be thinking that Evie is a quick change artist but no, she is not. The last picture is from the second time she ate, thus the difference in clothes. I have also discovered that eating is done best in short sleeves.
well it is a start. In the next few weeks we will be building her mush repertoire adding such things as mushed squash, carrots, peas and maybe even beans.
what a lucky girl.

processing data as ones and zeros

Jerm and I went to a movie this afternoon. We saw Leatherheads (which I though had some funny moments, but was not at all as clever as it presumed to be [according to Jeremy]) we had some excellent babysitters come and take care of Evie (Thanks!) so we got some time to ourselves. It was so strange to go to the theater together. It seemed so normal, which was the strange part. It seemed too normal that it was just us. It is like I forgot that we had not done that in over 5 months. We used to go to the theater just about every weekend, and last summer when it was scorching and I was pregnant we used to go about twice a week just for the air conditioning. (I remember once it was so hot that as I was walking across the parking lot to get to the theater the asphalt in certain places was squishing under my sandal.) It was so strange to think that it is now not just us and that we come home to Evie.
It has been just us for so long that it felt for a second there that the world where Evie exists was just a dream and the the last year did not take place and that I would look at Jerm and we would both laugh and then I would wake up. very surreal. very, very surreal. But as I look over Jerm is on the couch with a baby sitting on his lap. What a strange world we live in. How things change so drastically and so fast.

are you talking to that octopus you are devouring?

so I was singing another little diddy that I made up a while ago. I made up this song when my little sister Charis was just a baby. So I thought I would share it here. I know that my dad is proud of my song witting abilities so I hope to impress him some more.
(this song is to she tune of 'the Spanish flea)

A little French mouse walked one day
in a little town down by the bay
the little French mouse saw some cheese
she said, 'bonjour, oh yes please!'
the little trap snapped on her neck
the little French mouse was no more
da na na na na na na na
da na na na na na na na

I didn't sing that song to her past the age of two so as to not scar her for the rest of her life.
But I sang it to Evie the other day and she really seemed to like it.

It ain't spinach baby.

well I thought I was allergic to spinach. It turns out that it is avocado.

I had a hamburger the other night and put a little bit of avocado on my bun and had the exact same gut ache. I thought little alien babies were trying to burst through my stomach.
oh avocado how could you do this to me?
I have loved you for only a short time, but it was love all the same.
so no more for me.
I am done with you.

Dear Avocado,
you are an avocado and I am a girl who cannot digest your goodness. I must leave you and never eat of you again.
we can not be friends.

goodbye